The First Post, Although Definitely not the Beginning of the Journey.

        This is my very first blog.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to write, but I felt that it was important to start one to document my journey and show others that no matter how dark it may seem, and how hopeless things may become, things can always get better, and they will, with effort.  I really like the picture here.  I took this in Wyoming a couple years back.  There were storm clouds and it dropped some heavy rain, but you can see a gap in the clouds where you can see calm and peaceful clouds.  This was taken at sunset as you can see in the lower right, it almost looks like fire.  My journey has been kind of like this picture, there have been moments of darkness, like the black ground, there have been moments where I was hammered by the rain of life, where everything felt ominous and I wasn't sure if I could go on.  There have been times where I felt my whole world falling apart, and it seemed as though my dreams and everything I was working for was being burnt to the ground in a never-ending fire of chaos.  However, more recently, I have caught that glimmer of hope, and have been able to see through those clouds and catch a glimpse of the peace and the calm that has always been there, waiting behind those clouds.

        It isn't until I went through the inferno, and dredged through the floods that I was able to look back and see the progress I have made, and the things I have learned.  By looking back now, I am not as overwhelmed by what lies ahead in the future.  

         I am 24 years old and I am a full-time college student.  Although the state I live in is rather conservative, my school leans a little more on the liberal side.  This has made things really difficult as I will elucidate in the future.  I went through a time where I had no hope.  I felt lost.  I was attracted to guys, I felt like that is what I had to do, but I didn't want that.  I have always wanted a wife, and kids, (I know, people say "you can have that with a guy, just adopt") I have always thought that was a little unfair to the kids to not have a mother and a father since they both play an important role in the raising and nurturing of a child.  On top of that, I have never, and still don't, see myself being able to live in a family relationship with another guy. Conceptually I have never been able to see it.  For a while, I thought I was going to be forced into it and then I would go from one bad relationship to another because having a monogamous, and healthy, relationship with another man is not wired into my biology.

         Another big factor in my journey has been my faith.   I still identify with LDS or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints aka Mormons; however I am not currently a member.  I am excommunicated.  So then the questions I get are, "Why do you still try to go if you are excommunicated?  They rejected you; you should just be true to yourself.  Why do you still care?"  The answer to that is because I still believe in the church.  I have strongly believed in it ever since I was born again and accepted Jesus into my life at age 8 when I made the choice to be baptized.  My faith is like others out there who are Jewish, or Catholic, or even Muslim.  I believe it.  I believe it to the point that I don't have any doubts, (I know, I tried to find them when I hit a low in August) I really believe the church is true and because of that, I couldn't just go to a gay-friendly church, I couldn't just renounce the Mormon church as so many others do.  I was disfellowshipped about three and a half years ago, and have been excommunicated for almost a year.  I hope to be able to keep you updated as I get rebaptized back into the church, and get my temple blessings restored once again.

         I will touch a little more on my history and the journey I have made thus far in future posts.  There is far too much to have in one post.

          What I will say, is that the people I have met, and the knowledge about myself and my self-awareness almost makes the whole journey worth it.  As I continue to progress, my relationship with God continues to grow.  Ultimately it is He who is guiding my journey as I offer him my hand.  I know for a fact that I cannot 'pray away the gay' but I do know that I can pray for God to help me understand it and its place in my life.  As I learn to understand it, I can see more as a part of myself and not a burden, It is something I can acknowledge and yet understand that it does not compose my full self.  My attraction to guys is a very small part of who I am, and I shouldn't let it decide what I do with my life.  I am still learning and internalizing this and I will keep everyone updated on my journey.

          Just know.  There is hope, there is change.  Ignorant people say that we choose to have these attractions.  I didn't choose it...however; I do have a choice as to what to do with it.  That is where the choice comes in.  In that respect, everyone has a choice.

Till next time,

The Rainbow-plated Armadillo