Trapped on the outside:
While I was growing up I had a dog. She was a
beautiful Border Collie and Australian Shepherd mix.
She was a smart dog, sometimes a little too smart for her own good.
We had our backyard enclosed by a fence so she would be free to run around,
however one day we found her in the front yard, sitting next to the gate as
though she was begging to be let back in. This was not a onetime thing,
she began to frequently escape from the backyard on her own, but she was never
able to get back in, she always had to wait for one of us to let her in.
We searched the entire yard to try and find how she was getting out, but
we couldn't find anything. She knew not to escape until we weren't
looking so we had to set up a video camera to catch her in the act.
There
was a small gap in the fence that led into the neighbor's yard. She
somehow managed to squeeze through that gap, and then escape from the
neighbor's yard, which was also encompassed by a fence. We did not have a
small yard, we were living on a 1/2 acre property with a modest house and a
huge yard, but the outside world was always so tempting and exciting that she
had to sneak out without our protection. After she
would sneak out, she wouldn't be able to get back in. She went from
being trapped inside, to being trapped outside. Once she was out, she
would run around a bit, then sit down next to the gate into the back yard and
wait for us to find her. It wouldn't take long after escaping for her to
miss the backyard. In the backyard she had food, water, and protection
from the world. On the outside there was the danger of the dog catcher,
or animal control, as well as cars that could hit her, or people who
could dog-nap her. She was at this for weeks before we set up
the camera, then we were able to fix the hole and thus fix the problem.
After that, she was safe again.
So why do I
tell this story?
It seems as though this has been a lot like my
life. I have always wanted to explore beyond what I should. I feel like I
can relate to my dog, the fence in my case being the church and the
commandments, within which I can receive my spiritual food and water, which
blessings show up in my vitality and everyday life. However, the outside
world is so appealing, that I want to explore it a little, so I step outside
the clearly defined area of safety to brave that mysterious world all on my own
only to find that coming back in isn't quite as easy as I thought it would be,
and thus, I find myself trapped outside, looking in. That is kind of how
I feel right now, I am waiting at the gate, waiting for that time when my owner
will find me and let me back in. In the meantime, I am not able to
receive those blessings that I can find within the LDS enclosure, at least not in full.
Venting, good
for the soul?
I feel like I am jumping at the handle, trying to
let myself back in, but I don't have anyone to help. Whatever happened to
the baptismal covenant? Mosiah 18:8-9 where it says: "...willing
to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light...mourn with those that
mourn...comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses
of God at all times and in all things, and in all places, that ye may be in,
even until death" That is a promise that everyone makes when they get
baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That is
the promise that I made, and I feel like I did a pretty good job at it.
Now that I am not currently a member, I am the one that is more in need
of having my burden borne, being comforted, mourned with, and having people
witness to me. However, I am not getting that at all. This is a big
frustration for me, I feel like I am fighting this battle on my own and this is
making me feel like the Church is just a skeleton organization where I can come
to know God and one day live with him again, but it is something I have to do
by myself. It does not feel like a church where I am at because the only
way that I am able to get to know someone is if I put forth ALL the effort.
I feel like until I get rebaptized, I will not be able to find a
truly reciprocated friendship in this ward.
I went to a munch and mingle, linger longer, or snack activity (lots of different names) right after sacrament in my
ward a few weeks ago, and introduced myself to some members and said "I don't come very
often, but I am trying to come more." One person said, "It's
great to have you here." The other six just ignored the comment,
then after that, they talked between themselves. Probably the most
frustrating of them all is my roommate. He is a returned missionary and
he still keeps his name tag on the outer sleeve of his scriptures, I'm not sure
if it is to remind him or to show off, but I know that I told him that I was
excommunicated and that I was trying to get rebaptized and
he said "OK" and that's it. I didn't even know how to process
that. I know that I'm not a member right now, but when someone calls me
and tells me they have been struggling with knowing that God is there, I put
down what I am doing, even if I don't have the time I make the time to talk
with him and give him ideas on how he can better know his father in heaven.
Not every ward is like this. I have lived in four
states and I'm currently in Utah, it seems as though there is a culture here
that is wrapped up and intertwined with the church so someone who is outside
the church or is not active is not just out of the church, but they are
actually outside of the culture as well. Being outside of the culture
makes a person automatically foreign and therefore I feel like in Utah, the culture
has made it so that unless I'm attending each week and participating, or have a
calling, there is no reason to interact with me. Part of socialization is
performing the callings, why would I need to be friends with my neighbors when
I already know the rest of the block? That is my view anthropologically
as to why it is this way. I just wish there was a bigger emphasis on
reaching out to those in the ward and those not in the ward. I wish there
was more of an emphasis on going to the rescue.
I get knocked
down... but I get up again...right?
About a week ago, I saw a Dalmatian wandering the streets of the city I now live in. There is very little grass, and lots of traffic, and the dog looked very frazzled. I wanted to help it to find its owners, but I was almost late for class so I had to say a quick prayer for that dog to safely find its owner. I saw a lady about a block later who had a leash in her hand, I pointed her in the direction I saw her dog. I kept looking as long as I could; I think she got the dog in time before something bad happened.
I feel like that dog right now. I'm frazzled and
broken, and I am once again sitting outside that gate looking in longingly.
A couple nights ago I made a big mistake, one I have made before.
I had Spring Break last week at my university. This
was great in that it helped me get caught up with my schoolwork, but it was
also very lonely. My fraternity wasn't meeting, I didn't have classes, my
roommates rarely talk to me, and when they do, it seems mostly logistical, so I
felt very alone. I went to my support groups, but they didn't seen
enough, I started this blog, it helped a bit, but I still felt alone. I
decided that what I needed was a friend that I could be open to about all of
this, someone who liked to rock climb, that I could go climbing with each week
or go to the climbing gym with. I knew I shouldn't have gone online
looking, because the people on there are not looking for just friends. As
I debated going onto the site, I thought of how if I found someone on there, I
could cuddle up and watch a movie with them, then I thought, but then it might
lead to more, but I told myself that I have done enough work that I could hold
my ground. I would be able to resist anything happening. I have to
admit, having SSA, I am not repulsed by the idea of more happening, deep
within, I almost wanted it, but I felt that I would be able to resist and I
would be able to keep more from happening...
Earlier this week, I found a guy to climb with, we watched
a movie together and I wasn't able to hold my ground and fell metaphorically
flat on my face. So now I am at that crucial moment where I must decide
if I get right back up, or if I hold my nose and roll around in a filth for a
few moments before getting back up most addicts familiar with the cycle would
call this the binge. For me the binge stems from the story that if I'm
going to fall on my face, I want to actually enjoy it. The problem with
that is summed up in Proverbs 27:20 "Hell and destruction are never full;
so the eyes of man are never satisfied." There is always something
that isn't quite satisfying and therefore I want to try and adjust it so that I
can get that satisfied. It is like an itch that when you scratch it, it
feels good for about 10 seconds then itches even more. Another factor is
that it had been three months, so that is three months gone. I have had
people tell me that it is three months of sobriety that I have, but that
doesn't change the fact that I lost that time. It starts over... I don't
care if I have three months or eleven months, it doesn't matter at all if I
have to start over. So this is where the second facet of the binge comes
from. The story, "I might as well have a little fun before I start sobriety
again." It is difficult when it feels like I have literally nothing
left to lose.
Then I have to remember, that every day is just that,
another day. If I wait a couple weeks, then that's a couple weeks longer
I have to wait to be baptized. This is what drives me to want to burn the
bridges and get back up on the wagon. This is what drives me to cut my
losses and redouble my efforts to get rebaptized
Looking at the
gate from a deeper perspective
And so now I find myself once more staring at the
gate and waiting for my owners. That gate is baptism I will only be able
to make it back through when I can show that I will not wander outside the
fence again. This time is going to be different; I am going to work more
closely with my bishop. I'm going to see if I can have a weekly checkup,
just if I am doing well, or if I'm not. Moving forwards or backwards,
because life is like a downward escalator...well....I'll save that one for
another post. If I get my bishop more involved, then I will have another
person I can be accountable to. Unlike my dog, where I had to block the
hole, I will always know my favorite spot to leave the yard and I must take
care of myself so that I can block it for myself because nobody will block it
for me.
This life is a journey, and it has more than one
path, just like there are an infinite number of ways that you can get home from
work (for instance driving to the airport, flying to Disneyland going
on rides, flying home and driving the back roads home. That is a way
because you ended at home, but it is definitely not the best. That is how
there is an infinite number of ways to get home) there are a number of paths in
life constantly branching out. Sometimes the journey will have a road
that backtracks a little, and while I feel I have lost some ground, the
knowledge that I have gained is not lost. So, a little more frustrated
than usual, but pretty confident about the future, I will say goodbye.
Thanks for
reading.
Until next time,
The Rainbow-plated
Armadillo
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